We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
farters have to be the big spoon...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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