Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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