so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I deserve this hangover.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
