Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
