I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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