Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
