FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
