all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
