the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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