can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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