I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
