I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The air taste purple.
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