Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
