Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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