Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
