Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
