I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
