I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
