It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize