if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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