someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
