sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
