my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
