I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
