i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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