You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
