What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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