Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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