woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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