ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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