I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
