I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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