somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
