When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
