Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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