I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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