Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
babies were throwing up all over the place
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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