Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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