If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
