I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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