I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
