She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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