if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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