I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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