nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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