Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
