He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
