wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize