Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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