Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Pooping to opera.
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