drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
