there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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