We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
