Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
