My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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