I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
