You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
